Hi Baby. I love you. I miss you so much. It has been 2 exceptionally long years since I got to hold you and kiss your angelic, happy face, and 1 year and 364 days since I got to have you hug me, lay your sandy hair on my shoulder, and kiss me back. I miss the way you would squeeze me and we would give each other smooches until it made us both laugh. I hope you feel all my hugs and kisses even though I only get to write them to you now. Just like your “Baby Kisses” book says, “Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.” I love you and no matter how many more seconds, days or years I have to keep living here, that will NEVER EVER change. I will ALWAYS love you FIERCELY with my whole heart and soul. You have every bit of both and I hope that because of that, it somehow makes it seem like I’m already with you. I know a huge piece of Mommy died that day, too and I’ve often theorized that this might be why people say we don’t have to wait long for those we love to show up after we get to your dimension.
It is a very odd thing knowing you are somewhere I’m not even though we know a lot of trustworthy people who’ve made it there, too. With the exception of daycare, we only left a babysitter with you 4 times in your whole life. Even though we know quite a crowd of family and friends up there, this is still WAY longer than I ever would’ve given you permission to be gone without me, especially without any kind of acknowledgement or request that you were even going anywhere without my supervision. I don’t know if you knew this was going to be happening all along and you just snuck out when we weren’t watching, if you were stolen all at once, or if you struggled and tried to fight off whatever attacked your body. I have so many questions and zero answers. I hate today so much.
I woke up today sweating and it reminded me of 2-years ago when I had probably crawled into bed exhausted, without a shower, and still wearing my clothes from the day before. Then waking up to what I did, and all the other horrors of the day left Mommy feeling a kind of icky I can’t even describe in words. Another tiny shred of symbolism to go with the other repulsive details of the worst day of my life, yet what I hope (but is still too hard to imagine) was the most glorious day of yours.
There is no way you actually remember this but when you were really tiny you used to throw up all over Mama in a most impressive, drenching way until we discovered that BOTH of us didn’t do so great when eating anything made from a “moo Cow.” That’s how I feel today, Baby. I didn’t eat any ice cream or cheese, but I feel like at any moment the knot in the pit of my stomach could erupt and soak everything in vomit. I don’t think you are aging, but just thinking about getting sick made me think your friends who still celebrate birthdays here might actually think watching this sight would be pretty awesome now that they are 4 and into grossing out their parents.
It is true that living here every second since I found you 2 years ago is excruciating. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do over and over, every single day, but I also know that sharing the way you taught us to love is worth it. It is what I’m supposed to do for you now because you can’t do it physically on your own. Keep reminding me of that on days like today, okay?
Today’s weather matches my heart. It’s cloudy and humid and the hail and tornadoes are still to come. I wish we could fast forward or stop at yesterday but the calendar we keep in this world keeps moving no matter how badly we wish or will it to “be nice.” As we learned last year, it is unbelievable that days like today would have the nerve to actually keep coming around. However, as I’ve told you before, the days don’t take their direction from me. I’m just one of the players, not the keeper of all the games.
Thinking about tornadoes this morning reminded me that what makes a tornado is a mixture of hot and cold air. It reminded me of May 2nd. The most perfect, spirited, heated air and energy that I loved to feel on my skin symbolizes your beautiful life and the cruel, coldness that hurts all the way to the bone represents your death (God knows how much I hate writing that). Put them together and you have the darkest storm and everything spinning completely out of control. Your breath and everything perfectly warm and comforting was sucked out with the coldest brutal truth of life. Everything spun out of control and in so many ways we are still dizzy and sick. We’ve cried a thunderstorm of tears and felt like hail was nailing us in the heart over and over again. However, Daddy and I are trying our best to try to hang on to each other to weather the gloomiest clouds and most severe thunder that roars at night.
Sometimes I think I must still be in shock. I don’t feel things like I used to and I don’t know that I ever will without you. Much like Sunday’s race, I’m trying not to worry about time and just make sure I make it to the finish line, but that is so much easier said than done.
I miss you. It all boils down to missing you. I can’t “go there” and think about what happened 2 years ago but my brain still remembers and certain things take me anyway. I also wonder things like if you saw yourself in the out of body experience people talk about before they leave this world. Maybe it was too dark in your room for you to see yourself when you left or maybe someone shielded your eyes. That’s what my hope for you is today. There are still no answers for why you had to leave us so quickly, and Mommy is still haunted by the “what.” What happened, what stole you from us, what is still out there ready to silence Daddy, your cousins, or your animals, and from “what” was it that I should’ve protected you? I wish you could just tell me.
I do not want this day to win and Baby Boy, I’m working my behind off to make sure that doesn’t happen. However, it is literally the challenge of my life. Help me be strong for as long as I have left to live here. It IS what I want to do for you.
I hope you see all 508 shirts with your name on them and know people ARE listening to you and becoming more aware of the ways you show up to let them know you are still here. It is not AT ALL in the way I wish I could have you on Earth, but I’m trying to be grateful that you are still attracting attention and teaching people all over the world how to love like you.
You were always a natural teacher as one of the older ones in your class. You taught the younger kids letters, new words, and even how to greet a new friend joining the group. Caleb Baby, you are getting more virtual pupils all the time, but I miss being in your classroom and seeing your joyous face every day. I just miss you my sweet boy and I can’t wait to have you in my arms and kiss your perfect face again and again. I know there are a lot of people where you are but I’m going to go ahead and warn you that they all better hurry up and get their turn with you now because I WILL be hogging you as soon as my body here is done. Just as you said “My Mommy” when you got jealous that I was playing with your friends, “My Caleb,” I am anxiously waiting my turn with you, too.
You used to tell me that the sun was hiding behind the clouds. I will keep telling myself that my son is hiding behind all of those clouds and that someday I will get to sit and enjoy all your peaceful, bright rays again.
You are the most beautiful boy in the world who ever lived and I will never stop telling anyone who will listen about you. Someday you can tell everyone yourself, too.
I love you through the most violent storms, just help Mommy and Daddy hang on a little tighter on days like today.
One day.
I love you, Angel Baby.
Love, Mommy
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